Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
