I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
