i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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