Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
