He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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