I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
