Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
