All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
