he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
