everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
