I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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