I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
