Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
