You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
