I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
