Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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