His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
