so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
