i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
