Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
