and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
