I accidentally had phone sex last night
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
