Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
