I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
