Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
