I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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