He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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