Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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