He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
