hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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