careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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