Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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