we have officially lost it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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