So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
