I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
