if you like me you must not know who I am
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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