I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dicks are not precious.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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