I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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