That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
