the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
