don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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