if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
