Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm bleeding and have questions
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
