it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
