the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
