The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
