And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
