Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
