My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Found the puke drawer
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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