Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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